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Ryukkai
Apr 11, 2012 21:31:35 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2012 21:31:35 GMT -5
Age: 18 Gender: Male Profession: Ranger Appearance: Wears the classical Ranger outfit with a little twist of his own, marking him as a Ranger that has been kicked out. Personality: He is a kind a smooth talking kind of character, he has a good sense of humor, he is easy to get along with as long as you stay on his good side. History: My character grew up in working class family that had to struggle they were not under the supervision of the castle and was slaughtered in the middle of the night by bandits lucky a Ranger was surveying the area and saved him and took him under his wing and trained him, through the training he saw his trainer die by an unlucky accident and after that he was graduated but it didn't last for long until he turned on a Ranger that went after a woman he loved so he murdered the Ranger, and was severely punished. He was thrown out and told never to return. Additional Information:
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Ryukkai
Apr 18, 2012 17:35:49 GMT -5
Post by Brandwyn on Apr 18, 2012 17:35:49 GMT -5
Hi Ryukkai,
Welcome to Halt's Playground!
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your character. Ringulf and I have been running an SCA event last weekend and had a lot of prep stuff to work on leading up to it so didn't have time to get on HP at all.
Now on to your character... You have a great start here, but I would like to see you flesh out the character a little bit more. It will make it easier for you to roleplay and easier for others to roleplay with you if they can visualize your character better.
First of all, if he was thrown out of the Ranger Corps, then his profession would not be a ranger. You could list it as ex-ranger, forrester, archer, yoeman, mercenary or something like that, but you need to change it from being a ranger.
You need to add a lot more on the description: height, eye color, hair color, build of his body (trim, lean, fat, stocky, etc.), More specific information on the clothes and weapons he wears would be helpful. What is it that he wears that would make people think he is an ex-ranger? He would have had to turn in his horse, double scabbard saxeand throwing knives, cloak and silver oak leaf when they kicked him out of the Corps, so he won't be wearing any of the standard ranger gear. Now he could be wearing something similar, but we have denied others who were not rangers from wearing the mottled ranger cloak, so his cloak can't be anything close to that.
So you need to do a lot more on the appearance section.
In the personality section you have a very good start. You might consider mentioning what he fears, what he likes or dislikes, Is he particularly good at something? Is he clumsy or graceful or something in between? Does he like to swim or climb rocks or does he have a fear of the water or of heights? What about caves? Things like that help you to develop his character and gives you information to roleplay from. You have a good start on it, but a little bit more information would be helpful.
Now as to his history, you also have a pretty good base of his background, but it is a little bit hard to follow. You are missing a few periods and some of the way it is written is a bit confusing. Having him be from a poor family is very good. We know where he is coming from and why he may have done what he did since his parents were slaughtered by bandits and his childhood was probably not an easy one. So you did a great job there.
Might I suggest that you rewrite that section a bit however, to clarify it(here is how I would write it): "Ryukkai grew up in working class family that had to struggle to survive. They never had enough food and even as a boy he had to work and help out the family to make ends meet. They were not under the supervision of the castle and therefore, when he was ______ old, his family was slaughtered in the middle of the night by bandits. Luckyfor him, there was a Ranger surveying the area and saw the attack. The Ranger saved Ryukkai and took him under his wing and began to train him as an apprentice. Near the end of his apprenticeship he saw his mentor die by an unlucky accident. He managed to finish his training and he graduated, but it wasn't long until he ran into trouble. He had met a girl and fallen in love but everything went bad when he found out another man was after her. He turned on the man {{Ranger}} (A Ranger would not behave that way- one would not go after another Ranger's love. You need to make this other man something other than a ranger.) that was after the woman he loved and during the fight he murdered the man. Crowley said that his behavior was not what a Ranger was supposed to display and that if he could not control his emotions he was not Ranger material. He was severely punished by the Ranger Commandant and then thrown out of the Ranger Corps and told never to return."
(So what is he doing now, since he was thrown out of the Corps?)
As you can see, I added a bit if info and changeda couple of things. You don't have to use this wording - it is only a suggestion, however you do need to clarify your history some and you do need to change it from being a ranger that was after his lover to someone else. Rangers are chosen for their integrity and honesty as much as for their skills in climbing and shooting. Their personality is tested throughout their apprenticeship and it is not likely one would make it through that was dishonest or untrustworthy or likely to attack or steal another Ranger's lover.
If you make those changes, I feel confident we can approve your character and then you can get on with having some fun!
If you have any questions feel free to ask and please don't think I am picking on you. If you look back at some of the older characters, you will see a great many people had to rework their characters before they were approved. Our goal with this is not to embarrass you or berate you, but to help you create a character that you enjoy playing and one with some depth that makes it easier for you and others to roleplay with.
There is a thread on the Rules Board under Apprentice Guides that is titled "How to create a good character" (or something similar to that) and also another one on "Tips for creating good posts". You might find the information in them useful.
Good job on starting the character. I am looking forward to roleplaying with you. Just let me know when you go back and modify your character and make the changes so I can take a look at it again.
Brandy
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