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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 11:35:37 GMT -5
i am wrighting a story here is the first chapter tell me what you think.
David woke up one morning to fine himself in a strange place. He had shaggy brown hair and a sculpted face, with high set cheekbones and intense blue eyes. He was merely a man at 17 and had just begun to grow a beard. The walls were solid cement with a think oak door. 4 bars went across the door to make a small window. And the only furniture in the room was a small cot in one corner and a hole in the floor to use the washroom in the other. It took him a minute to relies what had transpired yesterday to cause him to be in this wretched place. The village he had lived in had been attacked by orcs and the inhabitants taken captive. “But if we were taken captive” thought David to himself. “How did I get here?” The question still burned in his mind as he herd the door outside open. He looked out the window to see an orc walk in and start yelling for everyone to get up. “Get up maggots!” bellowed the orc. “Master wishes to see you.” A dark man with steely black eyes and a strong tan entered the room. He strode from cell to cell checking all of the people and telling the orc to keep them or bring them. When he got to David’s cell he herd the door unlocking, he stepped backwards as the man entered the room and started circling him “This one with do” said the man in a cruel voice. “Put him with the others.” The orc bound David’s hands with the others and he was marched out of the room. After everyone was looked at the man and the orc files the chosen ones out of the prison to a courtyard outside. It was pure cement with 8 foot high walls there were huge double doors at one end and 6 cell blocks similar to the one he had just exited at the other. They walked through the doors. They walked all day through the country side and when it was nightfall they camped for the night. David was tied to a pole next to Albrum One of the elders in his village. He had a soft face with brown eyes and brown hair. He was in his late forties and had a small amount of white hair. “Albrum?” Said David quietly “what are we doing here? Why have they kidnapped us.?” “I don’t rightfully know.” Said Albrum sadly “but I have a feeling it’s not somewhere good.” “Now get your sleep boy you will need it if you are to make it wherever we are going.” Albrum tuned over and David tried to fall asleep. But all he could think of was his family who got left behind. His mother, his younger brother and his sister. He wondered what was going to happen to them and what was going to happen to him, and where he was going. The last thoughts David had before drifting off to sleep was. “What are they going to do to me and the rest of the village”
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Post by JezusBagels on Dec 12, 2009 13:26:22 GMT -5
i am wrighting (writing) a story. here is the first chapter. tell me what you think.
David woke up one morning to fine (find) himself in a strange place. He had shaggy brown hair and a sculpted face, with high set cheekbones and intense blue eyes. He was merely a man at 17 and had just begun to grow a beard. The walls were solid cement with a think (thick) oak door. 4 bars went across the door to make a small window. (should be a comma and a lower case 'a') And the only furniture in the room was a small cot in one corner and a hole in the floor to use the washroom in the other. (a hole in the floor isn't really furniture) It took him a minute to relies (realize) what had transpired yesterday to cause him to be in this wretched place. The village he had lived in had been attacked by orcs and the inhabitants taken captive. “But if we were taken captive” thought David to himself. “How did I get here?” (Quotation marks imply that he is talking. Is he thinking aloud? If not, delete quotation marks and change to italics) (There could be more to this that you didn't include, but he just answered his own question. He was taken captive. That's how he got there.) The question still burned in his mind as he herd (heard) the door outside open. He looked out the window to see an orc walk in and start yelling for everyone to get up. “Get up maggots!” bellowed the orc. “Master wishes to see you.” A dark man with steely black eyes and a strong tan entered the room. He strode from cell to cell checking all of the people and telling the orc to keep them or bring them. When he got to David’s cell, he (hard to tell whether you mean the master or David with this 'he'. Please clarify.) herd (heard) the door unlocking, (period and capital 'H') he stepped backwards as the man entered the room and started circling him. “This one with do” said the man in a cruel voice. “Put him with the others.” The orc bound David’s hands with the others and he was marched out of the room. After everyone was looked at the man and the orc files the chosen ones out of the prison to a courtyard outside. (I have no idea who or what you're talking about with this sentence. It's a grammatical/punctuational mess.) It was pure cement with 8 foot high walls. There were huge double doors at one end and 6 cell blocks similar to the one (Six cell blocks isn't once thing. This should be plural.) he had just exited at the other. They walked through the doors. They walked all day through the countryside and when it was nightfall (Nightfall--the falling of night--is an event. It can't BE nightfall. Nightfall is something that happens.) they camped for the night. David was tied to a pole next to Albrum, one of the elders in his village. He had a soft face with brown eyes and brown hair. He was in his late forties and had a small amount of white hair. “Albrum?” said David quietly. “What are we doing here? Why have they kidnapped us.?” “I don’t rightfully know,” said Albrum sadly. “But I have a feeling it’s not somewhere (He was asked 'why' and answered with 'somewhere.' Doesn't make sense.) good.” “Now get your sleep, boy. you will need it if you are to make it wherever we are going.” Albrum tuned (turned) over and David tried to fall asleep. (comma, lower case 'b') But all he could think of was his family who got left behind. His mother, his younger brother and his sister. He wondered what was going to happen to them and what was going to happen to him, and where he was going. The last thoughts (should be singular) David had before drifting off to sleep was, “What are they going to do to me and the rest of the village” (Again, thoughts in quotation marks is a no no.) (I don't believe this paragraph. All this has happened and this is really the first time he's worrying about his family who haven't even been introduced yet?)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 13:45:10 GMT -5
i know my grammer sucks i wanted to no if you liked it
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Post by JezusBagels on Dec 12, 2009 13:53:22 GMT -5
I apologize for trying to help.
If that's all you want to know, then no. I didn't like it.
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Gorim
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Swooping is bad
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Post by Gorim on Dec 12, 2009 15:41:48 GMT -5
If you want feedback, be prepared for honesty. Don't expect everyone to love it. If you're going to be a writer, you need thick skin. And good grammar.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 15:58:49 GMT -5
i no i need a think skin i alredy have 1 of those. as for my bad grammer thats wat a editor is for but whay dotn u like it is it boring, lack of deatail or wat
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Gorim
Ward
Swooping is bad
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Post by Gorim on Dec 12, 2009 16:10:26 GMT -5
Yes, it needs detail. It needs length and body. And it needs to flow. The way you wrote it was choppy; you have no idea what's going on.
Also, you should use grammar check and spell check. The mistakes are extremely distracting. Always check your stuff before making it public for thoughts; it looks bad and, for the future, unprofessional.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 16:24:54 GMT -5
ty very much ill take those pointers and revise the story
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Post by Brandwyn on Dec 12, 2009 17:03:35 GMT -5
Ali,
I won't mention much about the grammar and spelling as it has already been addressed and you know what you need to do.
However, I did see your comment about "that is what editors are for." and I wanted to give you some information based on my experience. I HAVE submitted articles to be published in magazines and even succeeded in getting a story in Dragon Magazine many years ago, so I do have some experience in this type of thing.
I do know that if you were to submit the above "chapter" to an editor of a magazine or a publisher, they would read the first sentence and throw it in the trash and would never even send you a rejection letter. The editor's job is NOT to correct basic spelling and grammar errors. That is the writer's responsibility. It is part of word-smithing.
The editor's job is to choose from several well-written articles or stories and decide which of them are the most likely to sell copies of the magazine or book. This is based on the plot and the writing. If the writing sucks, then they are not going to choose that article or story.
So, if you are truly serious about wanting to be a writer you will HAVE to improve tremendously on your spelling and grammar and learn to use a spell checker. Otherwise you are doomed to failure as a writer.
Also, a chapter is not one page. Is this the entire first chapter? If so it is inadequate to call it a chapter. I would consider this to be a basic plot outline for a chapter. In fact it is about the same length as my chapter outlines.
Which brings up something that might help you: Do a plot outline. (this works for some and not others - I confess that I often do an outline of where I want the plot to go, but then don't follow it. I tend to be more of the write as I go type of writer.) But I think you might benefit from laying out in outline format just where you think the story is going to go and how to get there.
Think of it as a skeleton. Then as you write the story you put "flesh" on the skeleton. The "flesh" part is the details. Descriptions of the scene, people, items and describe the action. The action and suspense are what make readers want to continue reading your story.
I think you have a fairly decent skeleton here for a chapter, but you need to flesh it out. Go into what the young man is feeling and describe the attack on the village. That would be a good opener. Always start a book, a chapter with action.
Never resolve a conflict at the end of the chapter - leave the people hanging so they go onto the next chapter to find out what is going to happen to the character. Resolve that conflict and then set up the next conflict at the end of the second chapter - and so forth until the last chapter where you wrap up all the conflicts.
But chapters of full-sized novels are typically 25 to 50 typed pages. For short stories chapters run anywhere from 7-10 pages usually. A magazine article is normally 10 to 20 pages long - but that depends on the magazine you are looking to publish it in. You have to request "spectus" sheets from the publishers to find out what they want. But thought that info might give you an idea of just how short your chapter here is - assuming this was your whole first chapter as you stated when you posted it.
As to the plot part, it is rather boring and predictable. You need to create some sort of suspense, some tension, have some action or have something happen. Like I said, I would open it with the attack on the village, not after the attack on the village.
Try to get the readers to feel sympathy for your main character by getting into his head and thinking like and acting like he would. Tell us how he feels and why. I am just not getting a sense of fear here from him.
I hope this helped. Oh, and what they said about a thick skin is true. I have gotten some scathing rejection letters in the past, but mostly that was due to not submitting an article in the format that the magazine editor wanted, rather than comments about my writing.
But if you want to be a writer, you CANNOT ignore your bad grammar and spelling.
There are books you can get cheap that are reference guides on that stuff - like a dictionary for spelling and the Associated Press Style book or Grieg's Guide to Grammar. Libraries have copies of them if you can't afford to buy any. I would highly recommend you purchase at least one type anyway.
I wish you luck. (PS. I spell-checked this post and it caught 6 words I spelled wrong. The spell-checker really does help.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 17:10:32 GMT -5
i have revised the story see what you think and if there is wtill anything wrong please let me know
David woke up one morning to find himself in a strange place. He had shaggy brown hair and a sculpted face, with high set cheekbones and intense blue eyes. He was merely a man at 17 and had just begun to grow a beard. David looked around the room he was in. The walls were solid cement with a thick oak door. 4 bars went across the door to make a small window, and the only furniture in the room was a small cot in one corner. It took him a minute to realize what had transpired yesterday to cause him to be in this wretched place. The village he had lived in had been attacked by orcs and the inhabitants taken captive. But if we were taken captive? Thought David to himself. How did I get here? I should still be in the forest where they kept us for the last week. The question still burned in his mind as he heard the door outside open. He looked out the window to see an orc walk in and start yelling for everyone to get up. “Get up maggots!” bellowed the orc. “Master wishes to see you.” A dark man with steely black eyes and a strong tan entered the room. He strode from cell to cell checking all of the people and telling the orc to keep them or bring them. When he got to David’s cell David heard the door unlocking. He stepped backwards as the man entered the room and started circling him. “This one will do” said the man in a cruel voice. “Put him with the others.” The orc bound David’s hands to the others and he was marched out of the room. After everyone was looked at they were filed out of the prison. They entered the courtyard and saw pure cement walls 8 feet high with huge double doors at one end and six cell blocks similar to the one they had just come out of at the other. They walked through the double doors. They walked all day through the countryside and at nightfall they camped for the night. When David was tied he found himself next to Albrum, one of the elders in his village. He had a soft face with brown eyes and brown hair. He was in his late forties and had a small amount of graying hair. “Albrum?” said David quietly. “What are we doing here? Why have they kidnapped us?” “I don’t rightfully know,” said Albrum sadly. “But I have a feeling it’s not a good place.” “Now get your sleep, boy you will need it if you are to make it wherever we are going.” Albrum turned over and David tried to fall asleep, but all he could think of was his family who had been murdered by the orcs when they got attacked. Then David did what he had rarely done in his life, he cried. He cried for his family, he cried for his friends, he cried for his burnt home, he cried for his village. But most of all he cried for himself and the future that awaited him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 17:10:55 GMT -5
i have revised the story see what you think and if there is wtill anything wrong please let me know
David woke up one morning to find himself in a strange place. He had shaggy brown hair and a sculpted face, with high set cheekbones and intense blue eyes. He was merely a man at 17 and had just begun to grow a beard. David looked around the room he was in. The walls were solid cement with a thick oak door. 4 bars went across the door to make a small window, and the only furniture in the room was a small cot in one corner. It took him a minute to realize what had transpired yesterday to cause him to be in this wretched place. The village he had lived in had been attacked by orcs and the inhabitants taken captive. But if we were taken captive? Thought David to himself. How did I get here? I should still be in the forest where they kept us for the last week. The question still burned in his mind as he heard the door outside open. He looked out the window to see an orc walk in and start yelling for everyone to get up. “Get up maggots!” bellowed the orc. “Master wishes to see you.” A dark man with steely black eyes and a strong tan entered the room. He strode from cell to cell checking all of the people and telling the orc to keep them or bring them. When he got to David’s cell David heard the door unlocking. He stepped backwards as the man entered the room and started circling him. “This one will do” said the man in a cruel voice. “Put him with the others.” The orc bound David’s hands to the others and he was marched out of the room. After everyone was looked at they were filed out of the prison. They entered the courtyard and saw pure cement walls 8 feet high with huge double doors at one end and six cell blocks similar to the one they had just come out of at the other. They walked through the double doors. They walked all day through the countryside and at nightfall they camped for the night. When David was tied he found himself next to Albrum, one of the elders in his village. He had a soft face with brown eyes and brown hair. He was in his late forties and had a small amount of graying hair. “Albrum?” said David quietly. “What are we doing here? Why have they kidnapped us?” “I don’t rightfully know,” said Albrum sadly. “But I have a feeling it’s not a good place.” “Now get your sleep, boy you will need it if you are to make it wherever we are going.” Albrum turned over and David tried to fall asleep, but all he could think of was his family who had been murdered by the orcs when they got attacked. Then David did what he had rarely done in his life, he cried. He cried for his family, he cried for his friends, he cried for his burnt home, he cried for his village. But most of all he cried for himself and the future that awaited him.
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Post by Brandwyn on Dec 12, 2009 17:11:35 GMT -5
Also, in the past you have mentioned not "wanting" to read something because it is too long.
I know my post above is long and if you just glossed over it because of that, then you really don't have any chance of being a writer.
Writers are readers.
If you don't like to read, then why do want to write?
By reading how others put words together, you can learn how to write. If you read best sellers - you will learn what sells and how they are written.
So I hope you DID read my post above, even though it was long and "boring".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 17:20:00 GMT -5
Ali, I won't mention much about the grammar and spelling as it has already been addressed and you know what you need to do. However, I did see your comment about "that is what editors are for." and I wanted to give you some information based on my experience. I HAVE submitted articles to be published in magazines and even succeeded in getting a story in Dragon Magazine many years ago, so I do have some experience in this type of thing. I do know that if you were to submit the above "chapter" to an editor of a magazine or a publisher, they would read the first sentence and throw it in the trash and would never even send you a rejection letter. The editor's job is NOT to correct basic spelling and grammar errors. That is the writer's responsibility. It is part of word-smithing. The editor's job is to choose from several well-written articles or stories and decide which of them are the most likely to sell copies of the magazine or book. This is based on the plot and the writing. If the writing sucks, then they are not going to choose that article or story. So, if you are truly serious about wanting to be a writer you will HAVE to improve tremendously on your spelling and grammar and learn to use a spell checker. Otherwise you are doomed to failure as a writer. Also, a chapter is not one page. Is this the entire first chapter? If so it is inadequate to call it a chapter. I would consider this to be a basic plot outline for a chapter. In fact it is about the same length as my chapter outlines. Which brings up something that might help you: Do a plot outline. (this works for some and not others - I confess that I often do an outline of where I want the plot to go, but then don't follow it. I tend to be more of the write as I go type of writer.) But I think you might benefit from laying out in outline format just where you think the story is going to go and how to get there. Think of it as a skeleton. Then as you write the story you put "flesh" on the skeleton. The "flesh" part is the details. Descriptions of the scene, people, items and describe the action. The action and suspense are what make readers want to continue reading your story. I think you have a fairly decent skeleton here for a chapter, but you need to flesh it out. Go into what the young man is feeling and describe the attack on the village. That would be a good opener. Always start a book, a chapter with action. Never resolve a conflict at the end of the chapter - leave the people hanging so they go onto the next chapter to find out what is going to happen to the character. Resolve that conflict and then set up the next conflict at the end of the second chapter - and so forth until the last chapter where you wrap up all the conflicts. But chapters of full-sized novels are typically 25 to 50 typed pages. For short stories chapters run anywhere from 7-10 pages usually. A magazine article is normally 10 to 20 pages long - but that depends on the magazine you are looking to publish it in. You have to request "spectus" sheets from the publishers to find out what they want. But thought that info might give you an idea of just how short your chapter here is - assuming this was your whole first chapter as you stated when you posted it. As to the plot part, it is rather boring and predictable. You need to create some sort of suspense, some tension, have some action or have something happen. Like I said, I would open it with the attack on the village, not after the attack on the village. Try to get the readers to feel sympathy for your main character by getting into his head and thinking like and acting like he would. Tell us how he feels and why. I am just not getting a sense of fear here from him. I hope this helped. Oh, and what they said about a thick skin is true. I have gotten some scathing rejection letters in the past, but mostly that was due to not submitting an article in the format that the magazine editor wanted, rather than comments about my writing. But if you want to be a writer, you CANNOT ignore your bad grammar and spelling. There are books you can get cheap that are reference guides on that stuff - like a dictionary for spelling and the Associated Press Style book or Grieg's Guide to Grammar. Libraries have copies of them if you can't afford to buy any. I would highly recommend you purchase at least one type anyway. I wish you luck. (PS. I spell-checked this post and it caught 6 words I spelled wrong. The spell-checker really does help.) kk will do and by the way ty for you intrest in helping me i expected a good, bad, fail, ok or somthing of that sort not all the help i've been getting thats to yall btw the spell checker is not working on my pc for some reson
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Post by Brandwyn on Dec 12, 2009 17:25:37 GMT -5
Do you have MIcrosoft Word on your computer?
If you have Microsoft Word, you just open it and start a new document and on the tool bar at the top there is a button labled with an "abc" letter. This is the spell-checker button.
If you hit that button it will automatically start checking the whole document for spelling errors.
That doesn't get everything, but it does get quite a bit.
Just be careful on the grammar corrections - sometimes the computer spell checker is confused and so you can't always trust what it reccommends. Sometimes it is wrong, but most of the time it gets it right.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 20:43:57 GMT -5
i think i got a pretty goos start on the story
It was 4:00 in the morning when David was woken from bed. WE ARE BEING ATTACK, yelled someone from across the village, ORCS ATTACKING FROM THE EASTERN SIDE. TAKE WHATEVER WEPONS YOU CAN FIND AND COME. David was pondering what he heard when his father came in holding his scythe in one hand and a dagger in the other. He tossed the dagger to David and said. “Here son take this dagger and protect you mother and sibling I’m going to help protect the village from the invasion. Whatever you do don’t let them get to the rest of the family. They are in your mom’s room hiding.” With that he left leaving David sitting on his bed with the dagger in his hand. Slowly David got up and went to his mother’s room where his mother, brother and sister were huddled in the corner with a single orc standing over them. David never knew what came over him but seeing that monster stand over his family just enraged him. Without a thought David jumped across the eight foot room and slashed at the orc. The orc turned around and blocked the attacked just before it would have hit its back. Without warning it stabbed at David’s stomach and he barely had time to turn sideways before it flew through the air where he had just been. Thrown off balance by the stab the orc stumbled forward giving David the advantage he needed. He swung with all his might cleaving the orc in two. The orc went wide eyed as it realized it had been killed by a mere boy. As the two pieces fell to the ground David helped his sister up. “Was anybody hurt?” Asked David. “no.” said his mother weakly Suddenly there was a bang from down stairs and David ran out of the room. There were five orcs climbing up the stairs when he got to the stairs and he quickly jumped back as an arrow shot inches from his face. He ran back to his room grabbed his bow and quickly strung it. Then standing in the door frame he shot three arrows in quick succession. Hitting one in the back of the head felling it instantly. The second got hit between the shoulder blades where it let out a scream of pain before falling to the ground. The third he got in the hip and as it fell he shot a fourth arrow that hit it in the neck. The remaining two orcs managed to get to David’s mother’s room before he could fire any more arrows. He dropped his bow grabbed the dagger and ran after them. When he got to the room he saw his family, dead and bloody on the floor. His sister had a wide gash in her chest, his mother had a large gash in her neck and his brother’s head was rolling across the floor. With all his rage and hate he attacked the two remaining orcs. Catching one in the ribs before the saw him, but the second one saw him before David could attack it swinging with all his might David attempted to swing at its head only to be blocked on the orc’s shield causing a formidable dent. The orc swung attempting to cut him in half. David jumped back just before the sword swung by his side. The orc quickly turned and struck again aiming for his head. Only reflex saved David as he raised his arm and blocked the sword on his dagger. The blow jarred up his arm and caused David to drop his dagger. Thinking quick David dropped to the floor as the orc’s sword missed his head by less than an inch. David rolled to his left and grabbed one of the orc’s swords. David pivoted cutting the orc’s legs off. With a scream the orc fell to the ground. David calmly walked up to it. “This is for my family you maggot ridden disgusting thing.” said David solemnly. David drove the sword straight into the orc’s heart. Then he knelt beside his slain family and wept.
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