|
Post by Brandwyn on Dec 12, 2009 22:41:35 GMT -5
Better! I am super sleepy right now, so will read it again in the morning when I am wide awake. But I can tell you make more of an effort with this and it is more interesting.
There are still some grammar errors, but it is much better.
Do you want it "edited" like Jezus did or like a copy editor would do if you turned it in for a newspaper article?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2009 23:19:15 GMT -5
i liekd the way he did it before and idk how newspaper editors do it so idk wich i perfer
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2010 19:27:57 GMT -5
been working hard and i think this is a full chapter. what do u ppl think. (i no its been i while since ive been on but ive been a little bussy.
Chapter 1
It was four in the morning when David was woken up from a deep sleep. “We are being attacked!” He heard someone yell from across the village, “Orcs attacking from the eastern side! Take whatever weapons you can find and come fight!” David was still pondering what he had heard when his father came in holding his scythe in one hand and a dagger in the other. David’s father tossed the dagger to David and said. “Here son take this dagger and protect your mother and siblings. I’m going to help protect the village from the invasion. Whatever you do don’t let them get to the rest of the family. They are in your mom’s room hiding.” With that he left leaving David sitting on his bed with the dagger in his hand. Slowly David got up and went to his mother’s room where his mother, brother and sister were huddled in the corner with a single orc standing over them. Seeing that monster standing over his family just enraged David. Some instinct was awoken that moment and looking back David never knew what had come over him. Without a thought David jumped across the eight foot room and slashed at the orc. The orc turned around and blocked the attack just before it would have hit its back. Without warning the orc stabbed at David’s stomach and he barely had time to turn sideways before the knife flew through the air where David had just been. Thrown off balance by the stab the orc stumbled forward giving David the advantage he needed. He swung with all his might cleaving the orc’s head in two. The orc went wide eyed as it realized it had been killed by a mere boy. As the orc fell to the ground David helped his sister up. “Was anybody hurt?” Asked David “No.” said his mother weakly. Her hands shaking as she picked herself up off the floor. “Thank you for killing that orc.” Suddenly there was a bang from downstairs and David ran out of the room. There were five orcs climbing up the stairs when he got to the doorway and he quickly jumped back as an arrow flew inches from his face. He ran back to his room across the house and grabbed his bow quickly stringing it. Then standing in the door frame he shot three arrows in quick succession. Hitting an orc in the back of the head felling it instantly. The second orc got an arrow in the back where it let out a scream of pain before falling to the ground. The third orc got an arrow in the hip and, as it fell, David shot a fourth arrow that hit it in the neck. Blood spewed out of his neck as the arrow went clean through it planting itself firmly in the wall with a dull thud. The remaining two orcs managed to get to David’s mother’s room before he could fire any more arrows. There was a shrill scream coming from David’s mom’s room and a low moan before silence. He dropped his bow, picked up one of their swords and ran after them. When he got to the room he saw his family, dead and bloody on the floor. His sister had a wide gash in her chest, his mother had a large gash in her neck and his brother’s head was rolling across the floor. Seeing his family killed before his eyes sent David into a blind, hate-filled rage. He attacked the reaming two orcs viciously with no regard to his own safety. His attack was so sudden the first orc didn’t see him and he sliced the orc between the ribs. Plunging his dagger in so deep he punctured a lung and the orc staggered backwards. The second orc blocked David’s mighty swing with his shield, but the sword inflicted a sizable dent in the orc’s shield. The orc swung, attempting to cut him in half. David jumped back just before the sword would have sunk into his side. The orc quickly turned and struck again aiming for his head. Only reflex saved David as he raised his arm and blocked the orc’s sword with his sword. The blow jarred up his arm and caused David to drop his sword. Thinking quickly David dropped to the floor and the orc’s sword missed his head by less than an inch. David rolled to his left and jumped to his feet. David pivoted as he slashed at the remaining orc, cutting one of the orc’s legs off. With a scream the orc fell to the ground. David calmly walked up to it. “This is for my family you maggot ridden monster.” said David solemnly. David drove the sword straight into the orc’s heart. As the orc died he knelt beside his slain family and wept bitterly at the loss of his family. David thought of all the good times they had had thought the years and was deeply saddened by the loss. In his heart David knew he was going to get revenge for what the orcs had done to his family. David pounded down the stairs and down the street. There the men were fighting bitterly against the orcs in the tightly packed buildings in the village. The smell of gore and spelled blood was fresh in the air as he got to the site of the battle. There two dozen or so men were fighting against just as many orcs. It was a losing battle however since most of the men were untrained as opposed to the well trained attacking orcs. David looked around and saw his father slouched against the local tavern. David ran over to where his father was sitting and looked into the man’s face. “Father?” asked David in a worried tone. “What’s the matter?” “One of the orcs got me in the side with an arrow.” David’s father said weakly holding up his right arm to expose an oozing hole in his side. Blood was pouring fiercely out of the wound and David could tell it was deep. “Go son.” David’s father said with the little strength he had. “Run away before they get you.” “No father.” David pleaded. “I will stay, I will kill these monsters.” With that David’s dad let out a shuddering sigh and slumped over. The last breath being taken out of him by the seeping wound in his side. “NOOOOOOO” screamed David in a mad fury. But it was already too late. As David turned a club hit him over the head and he was knocked out. The orcs had won. The men that were not already killed were dragged out of the village by the orcs. the village was then set of fire to become a desolate place of smoldering ash. David woke up the next morning in a strange place with an aching head. He reached up and parted his shaggy brown hair, feeling for the bruise on the back of his head. He flinched as his fingers touched the damaged bone, coming away sticky with drying blood. He closed his deep blue eyes as he ran his hands across his sculpted face and high cheek bones, remembering the pain of the day before. He wiped away a tear that ran down his cheek and dripped off his jaw. The stubble on his chin was sparse, betraying his young age of seventeen and the fact he was barely a man. David looked around the room he was in. The walls were solid stone with a thick oak door. 4 bars went across the door to make a small window, and the only furniture in the room was a small cot in one corner. It took him a minute to realize what had transpired yesterday to cause him to be in this wretched place. The village he had lived in his whole life had been destroyed. The pain of it all was too much. David wanted nothing more than to curl up and die. But a small glimmer of hope was still in him and that hope gave him the will to live. Then David started to think. ‘Why am I here? Why didn’t the orcs simply kill us all?’ The question still burned in his mind as he heard the door outside open. He looked out the window. There was a hall with other cells on the opposite wall. David could see others from his village in the neighboring cells across the hall. Then an orc came into his field of vision and was yelling for everyone to get up. “Get up maggots!” bellowed the orc. “Master wishes to see you.” A dark man with steely black eyes and a deep tan entered the hall. He strode from cell to cell checking all of the people and telling the orc which prisoners to keep in the cells or which to bring with him. When he got to David’s cell David heard the door unlocking. He stepped backwards as the man entered the room and started circling him. “This one will do” said the man in a cruel voice. His accent made his words barely recognizable “Put him with the others.” The orc bound David’s hands to the other prisoners that had been selected and he was marched out of the room. After the Master had looked over everyone they were filed out of the prison. They entered the courtyard and saw thick stone walls 8 feet high with huge double doors at one end. At the other end of the courtyard there were six more prison blocks similar to the one they had just come out of. They were marched through the double doors and out into the forest. They walked all day. On multiple occasions one of the captives fell, bringing the whole group down. Then as they struggled to stand up they were held down by their neighbors. As they were getting up they were brutally whipped until the master ordered the orcs to stop the whipping. During the whole time they were marching, David was thinking. First he thought about his slain family and that brought tears to his eyes. He Remembered all the fun they used to have. David remembered Walking down to the lake in the summer time and going out for a swim. Or in the winter when it was to cold to go outside (although there was rarely ever snow) they would huddle inside by the fire and his father would tell them stories he had learned from his father. Next David thought about the attack and the orcs. David thought about the way his father had looked at him knowing full well he was about to die but had no power to stop it. David also thought about his mother and siblings as they had huddled there completely helpless watching as the orcs had come over and killed them. Finally, David thought about his future and wondered where they were going. Were they going to become slaves? Were they going to be used for some strange sacrifice? Or was there another reason they were being taken away? David thought about all this during the course of the day. David found himself tied for the night next to Albrum, one of the elders in his village. Albrum had a soft face with brown eyes and brown hair. He was in his late forties and had a small amount of graying hair. “Albrum?” asked David quietly. “What are we doing here? Why have they kidnapped us?” “I don’t rightfully know,” said Albrum sadly. “But I have a feeling it’s not good.” “Now get your sleep, boy. You will need it if you are to make it wherever we are going.” Albrum turned over and soon was snoring softly. David tried to fall asleep, but all he could think of was his family who had been murdered by the orcs when the village was attacked. Then, for the second time that week, David did what he had rarely done in his life; he cried. He cried for his family, he cried for his friends, he cried for his burnt home, he cried for his village. But most of all he cried for himself and the uncertain future that awaited him.
|
|
♥★Evanm7♥
Apprentice Messenger
Implausible. Unreasonable. Impossible.
Posts: 454
|
Post by ♥★Evanm7♥ on Mar 1, 2010 21:37:48 GMT -5
What's the title of the story? I'll make a banner that has it's name, and some graphics, since I got GIMP back... I am awesome times epic to the power of ∞ and awesome. I'll need this form, chopchop. Name: Title of book: Background: Special Effects: Text on the Background: Remember, I can do almost anything with the GIMP. I was thinking something like this: But more then five seconds spent on it, and your stuff.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2010 12:45:26 GMT -5
wow thats great! ive been struggling with a title for awhile but all i can come up with is alredy taken. any suggestions would help.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2010 12:51:39 GMT -5
evan would i be able to take what you posted and make soem ajustments and see how they turn out?
|
|
|
Post by evanm7guestformha on Mar 8, 2010 20:22:16 GMT -5
Yea, feel free.
Note: This is Evanm7, but I have little time.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2010 21:29:26 GMT -5
k thanks
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2010 22:14:36 GMT -5
evan do u think it would be possible to take the description of david and make him. i wana c wat he would look like. here it is: David woke up the next morning in a strange place with an aching head. He reached up and parted his shaggy brown hair, feeling for the bruise on the back of his head. He flinched as his fingers touched the damaged bone, coming away sticky with drying blood. He closed his deep blue eyes as he ran his hands across his sculpted face and high cheek bones, remembering the pain of the day before. He wiped away a tear that ran down his cheek and dripped off his jaw. The stubble on his chin was sparse, betraying his young age of seventeen and the fact he was barely a man.
|
|